I struggle with forgiveness.

Not always and not in all things, but in a lot of situations. I have one person in particular who is at the top of the list of those I struggle to forgive. I’ve prayed, I’ve confessed, I’ve mulled, and frankly I thought I was doing a lot better and had softened my heart quite a bit. It was no longer eating at me in the middle of the night quite as often (note, if you have something keeping you up at night with anxiety and worry, consider praying the St. Michael the Archangel prayer. Another one I like is “I love you Jesus,” and then imagining Jesus saying, “I will think of everything. You think only of loving me.” Worry and anxiety are not from God. Sometimes God keeps us up at night with things He wants us to ponder or action He wants us to take, but He never prompts us to worry and fear. It says “be not afraid” in the Bible more than pretty much anything else!), so I thought that meant that I was “over it” and some more forgiveness had finally taken root.

Last week, however, in conversation with people who’ve known me for a long time, some ugly and uncomfortable feelings welled up like acid in my throat, and boy did they burn. What a bitter taste. Clearly I hadn’t grown as much in forgiveness in this area as I thought.

So back to some of the lessons I’ve been taught over the years on forgiveness in hopes I can learn them a little better this time around. I come to you not at all as an expert on forgiveness, but as one who is grappling with it in big ways and someone who has sought guidance and begged for help on this topic regularly over the years.

Holding a grudge, or holding back your forgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will get sick.

That’s true, and sometimes it’s still not enough for me to let go. But you know what gets me? Keep reading in Matthew after Jesus teaching us how to pray. He gives us the Our Father when he says, “This is how you should pray,” in Matthew 6:9-13

But keep reading. Look at verses 14-15

If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions.

Ouch. Jesus didn’t say all that many words that are recorded in Sacred Scripture. He also didn’t throw words around. He didn’t use extra when few would do, and it’s noteworthy when he “doubled down” on a point. He tells us, when we pray the Our Father to ask God the Father to forgive us as we forgive others….and then he doubles down right after that so that we understand he doesn’t mean “forgive us at the same time we forgive others,” but in the same way that we forgive others. This isn’t just a nice thought. It’s teaching from the mouth of Christ and really a warning. We can’t just move on or hope the hard feelings die away. It also doesn’t say, “Forgive them once they’ve changed and apologized.”

I am deliberately not going to get into, right now, the transactional nature of forgiveness. Partially because there’s not one clear way of looking at it, and mostly because we can’t control other people, and for those of us who struggle with forgiveness, like I do, leaving a loop hole in there does nothing but harm us. If I can let myself off the hook because that other person never apologized, shoot, doesn’t even think they did anything wrong, just brews more bitterness in my heart and makes even bigger the devil’s foot hold. And frankly, Jesus didn’t say, “As I forgave those who begged for my forgiveness and promised to change.”

It would be odd for me to give you a quippy list of tips for forgiveness of major wrong doings in your life in the same way I’d give you tips for making a bed or putting together an outfit, but I do want to give you some concise things to ponder and take to God when you have unforgiveness in your heart, so here we go:

1. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling. You do not have to feeeeel sorry in order to forgive. Just like Love isn’t a feeling, it’s an action (cue 90s DC Talk, Love is a Verb!). Same with forgiveness. It’s a choice.

2. Forgiveness isn’t a once and done. For minor misunderstandings, or for something between two people who have healthy connection and trust, you might be able to hear the acknowledgement of wrong, the apology, and be able to move on without another thought, but when someone wounds you deeply, and possibly continually, you are going to have to forgive over and over.

3. No one said it was easy. In Matthew 18-21, Peter asks Jesus, basically, “Look, how many times do I have to do this? He keeps sinning against me.” Jesus’ answer is basically, as long as it takes - 70 times 7 times - over and over again. That seems unfair and not logical, but look at the Father. Do you have a limit on the number of times you can be forgiven? No. The Father tells us that we have to just turn to him and he will forgive us.

4. Which brings me here….you do not need to wait for the person to apologize in order to forgive them. I’m going to tread lightly here, because no, God isn’t going to force his mercy and forgiveness on you. You have to turn to him first. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to do things to earn his love, but you have free will and if you cling to your sin and your attachments, God will honor that and let you keep them. In the case of our forgiveness toward others, however, you don’t have to wait for the apology. Let’s look at it this way, can you repair a relationship and move forward with a person in your life if they’re never sorry? Not likely. Are you called to be a doormat? Absolutely not. However, you can look at forgiveness when the other person isn’t sorry as handing it over to God. God, I’m not going to hold on to this anymore. I’m going to stop drinking the poison of grudge and unforgiveness and hand this person over to you. You’re the only one who can change their heart and I care more about my relationship with you than my anger toward them.

5. And finally, after that hard prayer in number 4, I got some wise counsel a few years ago that isn’t easy, but needed. I said I didn’t feeeeel loving or forgiving toward this person. I was told, well, forgiveness isn’t a feeling (see number 1) but when you feel that way, pray and say, Lord Jesus, I’m struggling. Please take my feelings for this person and give me your feelings for them. I know they too are a child of God and your beloved. I can’t love them the way I should yet. Please give me your love for them. Amen. Yep, that hurts and I pray that over a massive lump in my throat. But it’s true. That person…the one who wronged me deeply and I’ve been fighting the effects of that wound in my relationships still years later…that person is a beloved child of God too, and God loves them very much.

This isn’t a neat and tidy topic and I’m sure there are those of you reading who a have a LOT to say to me right now and that’s ok. I encourage you to not waste a trigger. When something rubs you the wrong way or stirs up big feelings in your gut, ask why. Often it’s something in our own hearts and lives that needs exploring and some tender consolation and questioning.

Know that I love you and am praying for you. Please pray for me.

<3 Sarah